Do you know what you're having?
Erm.. no, actually. The midwife said it could be a baby, but to be honest with you, I think it's a giraffe.
Are you having twins?
No. It's only one baby in there. The only multiples I'm carrying is the multi-pack of pickled onion Monster Munch I had for breakfast. But thanks for your observation of my excessive pregnancy weight gain.
When are you due?
Like it even matters. Everyone knows that the vast majority of babies don't arrive on time.
Are you still pregnant?
Oh, no, this? This is just a pillow up my shirt. The baby is actually in the car.
Do you want help with that?
For goodness' sake! NO! I'm pregnant, not incapable! I can do it by myself! I'm an independent woman! I...I...I... Okay, yeah, actually, yes please. I really am quite exhausted and in oh so much pain. I can't even remember the last time I saw my toes. My nipples are leaking, and now I'm crying in front of a stranger. Great. Screw you, hormones.
Do you think you'll have another?
Oh, yeah, I'm totally thinking about that right now. Because I can't wait to do it all again. Said no pregnant woman ever.